The Hard-Boil: Christmas Satire

 The Hard-Boil: Area man humiliated by coworkers over gag gift 

Accountant Eric Guffrey, 32, was mocked by his coworkers during their annual white elephant gift exchange Friday. Guffrey reportedly showed up to the Peter Kiewit marketing Christmas party with an unwrapped shoe box full of dead batteries and pop tabs. 

“It’s supposed to be a gag gift,” Guffrey said, visibly confused as to why he was being questioned, “It’s completely useless. That’s the point.” 

“He didn’t even touch the price range,” said coworker Mark Stevens, “I threw in a nice $10 Starbucks gift card and he just emptied out his junk drawer.” 

At press time, the circled-up marketing department employees was doing everything in their power to trade the shoebox for literally anything else in play.  

The Hard-Boil: Elf on the Shelf found hanging from doorknob 

An Elf on the Shelf was found dead, hanging from the Wilson family doorknob yesterday.  

“I don’t know what happened,” mother Elizabeth Wilson said, “just yesterday he was sat on the mantle, happy as ever, and now this.” 

Though an autopsy was not completed, police suspect suicide. 

“It was probably all the stress of the holiday season,” officer Brad Michaels reported, “There’s always a rise in suicide as we get closer to Christmas and I guess he just couldn’t handle it.” 

At press time, the Wilson family hoped to plan an event to raise awareness for the mental health problems Elves on the Shelves often suffer silently. 

The Hard-Boil: Local child wondering where the days have gone 

Eight-year-old Amy Macintosh contemplated the passage of time last week in her second-grade math class. 

“Christmas used to be so much fun,” she said longingly, “The presents, the food. It’s just not the same anymore. The older I get, the more meaninglessness Christmas gains. Like, I’m even starting to doubt Santa. I know it’s crazy, obviously he exists, but what if the sixth-graders are right and he’s just my parents?” 

Eventually, Macintosh’s internal struggle had evolved into nihilism. 

“Why do we even have to learn how to multiply? We’re all dying anyway. Pretty soon I’ll just be getting clothes for Christmas and pretty soon after that I’ll be dead. Why do anything at all?” 

At press time, Macintosh reported that no matter how many gingerbread men her mom packed in her lunch, it didn’t change the fact that her life was short and her mom’s life shorter.