Virginity is a word that I had never really given much thought to. I just assumed that it was self-explanatory and I didn’t spend time fussing over the definition and what it meant to have or not have it. Put bluntly, a virgin is somebody who has never had sex. But what is sex? Does it always mean intercourse? Is it possible that the definition of sex can differ from person due to gender, sexual orientation, values, etc.?
In my opinion, virginity is a social construct. If you really think about it we as a society place a whole lot of importance and may determine our self-worth based on something that doesn’t actually exist. Sure, you can argue that a girl’s virginity is lost when her hymen breaks – but what if she’s born without one? What if her hymen has broken prior to her first sexual experience due to something completely non-sexual? Is she still a virgin? Or did she “lose her innocence” to the seat of a bike or while playing a sport? The concept of virginity causes people to view sex in a negative light. In reality, sex is a natural act that almost everybody participates in at some point in their lifetime.
When a person feel that they are ready to have sex, that’s their decision. Whatever age they are, whoever they decide to do it with, every detail is their discretion. The average age of virginity loss (in the United States) is 16.9 for men and 17.2 for women (“American Virgin: First-Time Sex Trends of U.S. Males and Females”). It’s a common belief that someone has to be a certain age before they start having sex and that they have to be in a relationship with a person for a certain amount of time, but does it really matter? It depends on how much importance a person places upon their ‘virginity” – waiting to have sex might mean a lot more to one person than it does to somebody else. Somebody who places a lot of importance on waiting to have sex with someone might wait until a major commitment (such as marriage) is in place, but somebody else might not care as much. Although this is a very popular concept among people in the US only 3% of people wait to have sex until marriage, not to mention that 20% more women wait than men, most likely due to social standards and fear of judgment (waitingtillmarriage.org). Meaning many people are convinced that abstinence is necessary but very few follow through on that claim. There is not right way to do things and there is no right amount of time to wait. A person is ready when they decide that they are, whether that be before marriage or not.
In the modern Western World, both men and women are said to be virgins until they “do the deed” and there isn’t really a specific, socially acceptable time for them to have sex. However, this isn’t the case with all religions and cultures around the world. Women in the Middle East must undergo “virginity tests” before getting married (internationalwomensinitiative.org). This test is an extremely invasive procedure that checks the status of a woman’s hymen. In Christianity and Islam, women are considered property which makes their virginity an item of luxury and value. Basically, a woman who has had premarital sex isn’t “worth” a whole lot according to the Bible and the Qur’an. There is plenty to say about women and their romantic lives however nothing is mentioned about men who engage in premarital sex. The concept of virginity has been creating double-standards between men and women pretty much since the term was constructed. Essentially, women are shamed and put down for having sex whereas men are unaffected or (in some cases) rewarded.
Many people believe that virginity means the same as purity. So when a person decides to have sex with somebody they are less “pure” than they were beforehand. For men in society this isn’t a very big deal but for women in society, it might as well be the end of the world. We live in a society that ties a woman’s worth and value to their sexuality. The construct of virginity can be damaging to a girl’s self-worth and perception of herself and most likely her perception of others as well. It can also be seen as grounds for slut-shaming – making girls feel guilty or wrong for engaging in sexual behavior. According to the LA Times article “The problem with slut shaming in schools”, 46% of girls ages 13-18 experience slut-shaming “through unwelcome sexual comments, jokes, or gestures made in person”. The article claims that boys are not slut-shamed in the same sense that girls are. “Boys face sexual harassment and bullying in schools, but most often for things that undermine traditional notions of masculinity — boys who are overweight or not athletic are targeted more, and they are often called gay as an insult” (“The problem with slut shaming in schools”). For whatever reason, women who are sexually active are looked down upon but men who are sexually active don’t get near as much (if any) of the same kind of negative attention.
Not only does virginity create a double standard between men and women, but it is extremely non-inclusive. Technically, a person can only lose their virginity by having the textbook definition of sex; sexual intercourse. So is homosexual sex invalid? Do they stay virgins unless they engage in heterosexual sex? I think the definition of sex can mean many different things to different people. Each and every person gets to define what sex is for themselves, and I don’t think that there should be debate as to whether or not homosexual sex is “real” or “valid”. As mentioned previously, the definition can differ due to gender, sexual orientation, and personal preferences.
Virginity is a sexist and homophobic social construct that is thought to be extremely important and valuable but in reality, not everybody thinks that. The concept of virginity creates an unfair double standard between men and women a creates an unnecessary divide in our society.